We had some health scares which sent my emotions running down the same dark road that was reminiscent of those trying times I traversed with my mom. Dad has always been the strong and healthy one. At 78, he still volunteers regularly, doing gardening and other tasks around the [...]]]>

Lil’ K and Jiji (09.12.2012)

It has been a bear of a week.

We had some health scares which sent my emotions running down the same dark road that was reminiscent of those trying times I traversed with my mom. Dad has always been the strong and healthy one. At 78, he still volunteers regularly, doing gardening and other tasks around the Okinawan Center and occasionally helps maintain the church grounds. He walks the dog three times a day. I thought surely I would find some reprieve from the medical drama, at least for a while.

He complained of a sharp abdominal pain in his lower left side. His appetite hasn’t been the same ever since Mom passed away and he seemed to have less energy than usual. When he mentioned these symptoms to the doctor, he ordered a CT scan. We didn’t expect to find anything, but when the doctor called me to schedule a follow-up MRI, I was concerned. They had found a 2.5 cm “something” near his pancreas. The doctor said he could either give me the results of his MRI on the phone or we could schedule an appointment. I stated that I preferred to receive a phone call. “What if I have to tell you it’s cancer? Would you be okay with hearing that over the phone?”

Ugh, the “C” word. I told him,  yes, I would prefer to have the news sooner rather than later.

Google can be your best friend or worst enemy. I should never google possible medical conditions. I discovered that pancreatic cancer has one of the worst survival rates and prognosis generally not good. I shed tears over the possibility that Dad might have cancer. His MRI was scheduled for Friday, Sept. 14 and I prayed at every opportunity for him. Actually, praying is probably not even the best way to describe it. I pleaded. I begged. I cried out to God. In spite of uncertain circumstances, I know He is always in control.

Dad’s blood pressure had been consistently running on the low end of the scale. Not dangerously low, but low enough that the doctor felt that reducing his blood pressure medication would be a good idea. So, he instructed us to cut the dose in half.

About a week later, I started seeing Dad’s blood pressure trending upward. From numbers in the 118/54 range to pressures that started going 150 and above. On Thursday afternoon, his blood pressure topped 213/70. I called his doctor and took him to the Emergency Room where they gave him 20 MG Lisinopril (same Rx he had been taking) and had him wait until it kicked in. When his systolic pressure reading was under 170, they released him. We spent about 4 hours in the ER that night.

The funny thing is that Dad’s fantastic ER nurse Sunny recognized me from my blog. What a small world!

The following morning his blood pressure was back up to 190′s, we saw his primary care physician and he changed his blood pressure medication. After that visit, we went straight to the hospital to get his MRI.

The time between the MRI and the doctor’s phone call was brief, perhaps only about two hours. From the sound of the doctor’s greeting on the phone, I surmised that he had good news for me. And he did. The “something” they saw was not a tumor. It was a blood vessel. Harmless. No cancer!

PRAISE GOD!

Instant relief. I thanked the doctor profusely and gave Dad the awesome news.

Now, we are just trying to stabilize his blood pressure. His numbers were good this morning. I am just praying that the new meds do not give him any side effects or drop his pressure too low.

If nothing else, this was a wake up call to cherish every day with my loved ones. Life is too short. Our days are numbered. Let us not waste a single one.

My OB/GYN suggested placing an IUD to regulate my lining, which has a tendency to do odd things [...]]]>

Getting ready to hit the OR. Why do I look so happy here?

On August 31, 2012, I checked in at Kapiolani Medical Center for Women and Children at 5:20 a.m. Another procedure scheduled to correct problems with the nether regions. My uterus just doesn’t like to play nice, obviously.

My OB/GYN suggested placing an IUD to regulate my lining, which has a tendency to do odd things (thank you, endometriosis and ovarian cysts).  Place it and forget it — periods would steadily decrease until my monthly visit from Aunt Flo would forever cease. What could be better? Well, she didn’t take into consideration the possibility that my uterus has a mind of its own and enjoys playing games with my doctors.

The IUD was placed and was fine for a while. Periods started decreasing, then around the 6th month, it started picking back up again. Next thing I know, I have a period that is going on 4 weeks straight. Doc puts me on birth control pills to stop the bleeding, they do an ultrasound and discover that the IUD is totally in the wrong place. Somehow, it fell out of position and is no longer administering the hormones as it should. It needed to be removed, lest it perforate my lining.  The doc also asked if I wanted to do an ablation (basically burn the uterine lining – WHAT?). It helps in some cases. I declined.

So, here I am. Going under general anesthesia again so that they could do a hysteroscopy and remove the errant device. It’s a good thing that I kind of enjoy general anesthesia (it’s a great nap!) and tolerate it well.

Long story short, they did the procedure and I did fine. Some discomfort, cramping, and a bit of bleeding — but all of that is to be expected. The ongoing saga continues. Although I hope not, I can’t help but to think a hysterectomy may be in my future.

As Lil’ K grows older, I become more uncomfortable with publishing  personal details and photographs of her. Social media, Facebook, blogs — the Internet and access to information is ubiquitous and effortless. The sharing of [...]]]> September 1, 2012 – Today, my website has been closed to the public and now requires a password for entry. 

As Lil’ K grows older, I become more uncomfortable with publishing  personal details and photographs of her. Social media, Facebook, blogs — the Internet and access to information is ubiquitous and effortless. The sharing of information has never been easier. At the same time, I wonder if this practice of unbridled oversharing will be a source of regret for me in the future.

Journaling in and of itself is wonderful. It is something I am glad that I did, somewhat faithfully, for the past 12 years. I chronicled the ups and downs of my life. Most notably, the struggles with infertility, the arduous process of IVF, the exultation of discovering a successful conception, the rollercoaster that is pregnancy, and the miracle of bringing a new life into this world. Life gets crazy, memories get squeezed out, and my blog has been the trusty friend that never forgets.

Journaling is not something I want to give up. Ever. However, I have to acknowledge the fact that having a public blog can also be akin to starring in a reality show. Although I try not to put up pretenses, I do feel that restricting my audience will allow me to write more candidly and post things I might normally withhold. This will enable me to keep an even more accurate record of my thoughts and events.

So, if you are reading this, I trust you are not a weirdo who will use my information and photographs for nefarious purposes. Thank you for your interest in my writing and hope you will continue to follow along.

My Mom loved dancing, but never danced [...]]]>

Mom and Dad pose for a photo with me in stage makeup and kimono outside of Hawaii Theatre post-performance (circa late 1990′s).

Hubby was away, traveling in Texas with family to celebrate a significant accomplishment for his niece. Lil’ K and I kept each other company and snuggled in bed together. She laid her head on my chest and said, “Mama! I hear Baba dancing in your heart!”

My Mom loved dancing, but never danced herself. One of my fondest memories of my toddlerhood was when Mom, then a housewife, would play her LPs on the record player for me. Anything from traditional Okinawan music, Hawaiian music, to patriotic marching tunes would keep me occupied for a while, dancing and twirling in the living room.

She saw my love for music and dancing early on and enrolled me in Okinawan dancing at age 5 and hula lessons several years later. She was always my biggest fan, whenever I got onstage, whether it was for a recital or just a spontaneous round of kachaashii. Whenever I dance, onstage, around the yagura during obon, or in the livingroom with Lil’ K, I think of Mom and her profound influence on me. And how much I miss her.

But now, she is dancing in heaven. And, forever in my heart. It is so wonderful that Lil’ K can hear her footfalls in my heartbeat.

“I need to make drawings to give away to everyone who comes,” she said. “I will [...]]]> After a late night, we were headed home. It was past 10:00 p.m. and clearly past Lil’ K’s bedtime. She was excitedly talking about her plans for her birthday party. (Which we haven’t yet planned or decided on yet.)

“I need to make drawings to give away to everyone who comes,” she said. “I will make one when we get home.”

“When we get home, all we need to do is go to bed. It’s very late.”

“No, Mom. I need to make a picture.”

“K… it’s bedtime. You can do it tomorrow.”

“MOM, listen to me. I need to make a picture.”

“K, remember… ‘children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.’” I quoted their “C” Bible verse from school.

“Well, Mom… the other Bible verse says, ‘All have sinned and come short of the glory of God,’” she recited her “A” Bible verse. “And right now, I’m sinning.”

Touche.

In class, children were asking the teacher questions. One of them was, “why do you work here?”

And Lil’ K piped up and said, “to pay the bills!”

She was amused by the answer, but agreed that it was true!

“We would love that, K.”

“I might not have time for myself, but I want to take care of you and Daddy so you won’t go to heaven so quick,” she explained. “I can help you take your medicine and take you places when [...]]]> “When I get bigger, I want to live with you and Daddy.”

“We would love that, K.”

“I might not have time for myself, but I want to take care of you and Daddy so you won’t go to heaven so quick,” she explained. “I can help you take your medicine and take you places when you have to go out.”

At this point, I started tearing up. I made a similar promise to my mother when I was a child and I kept it. She spent her last years with us and I took care of her during her times of ailing health. It wasn’t always easy, but I knew it was the right thing to do. It was my honor to be her caregiver and it was my way of thanking her for everything she did for me: the sacrifices she made, the love she gave, and her indelible influence on my life.

However, to be honest, being an only child and primary caregiver for an aging parent is a heavy burden to bear alone. Lil’ K is an only child and may find herself in a similar situation. I can only hope that she finds an understanding and supportive husband like I have. It is one of the factors that kept me sane during the toughest moments we faced.

Perhaps Hubby and I will move into an assisted living facility when it’s time. Maybe we’ll be healthy enough to not require much assistance, even if K does decide to move her family in with her elderly parents. Whatever the case, aging is not something I like to ponder — for anyone, but especially not for myself and Hubby.

I will just take the advice from the Bible on this:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” ~ Matthew 6:34