Happy Resurrection Sunday, everyone!

As the appointed date draws closer, I am experiencing some indecision and uncertainty. My thoughts are a tangled mess. I can’t understand why something so seemingly natural should be so hard to accomplish and require so much outside intervention.

I’m talking about getting pregnant.

As Joyce and I mused about life on the drive to Ala Moana yesterday, we both remarked about the “injustice” of it all. People who don’t want kids get pregnant by accident. People who have too many kids have more. People who really want kids, can’t. I know I’m not supposed to understand everything on this side of heaven, but sometimes I wish I could hear God’s audible voice relating His perfect will for my life. But, I guess that’s where faith comes in.

To be honest, I have complete peace about undergoing the surgery and IVF procedure. I feel that if I don’t at least try, I will have regrets in the future. On the flip side, I wonder if IVF would be akin for forcing our own will/wants over God’s? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Again, it goes back to the same issue: if I knew what God’s will was, I wouldn’t be writing this entry.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have a hotline to God right now.

Ultimately, I know that if it’s not God’s will for us to have children, we won’t. That’s something no amount of medical intervention can force. Hubby and I are praying about it, really seeking an answer before April. In the meantime, I will continue doing research and waiting on the Lord.

Through it all, I know there are lessons to be learned. As I have done so many times in the past, on the other side of this trial, I know I will look back and marvel at what God has done in my life.

Shoe box full of gifts

This year, our church is sponsoring Operation Christmas Child, an outreach through Samaritan’s Purse, a ministry of Franklin Graham. According to their website, they distributed 7.6 million shoe box gifts to children in over 90 countries last year.

In America, we are blessed to live in the land of plenty. It’s easy to forget that there are so many people living in poverty in other parts of the world. Today, I shopped for items to enclose in the shoe box. Tomorrow, I’ll buy a few more things, perhaps some socks, t-shirts, and maybe a small stuffed animal to complete the package. I hope it will bring joy to the little girl who receives it.

The collection period is November 13-20, so if you’re interested in donating a shoe box, check out the website for more details and to find a drop-off location near you.

It is Saturday. My favorite day of the week, yet I feel so… unwell.

In mind, body and spirit.

One of those days when I feel like staying in bed for as long as possible. And I did.

Missed karate.
Missed enjoying the afternoon with the Hubby.
Missed a family gathering with the in-laws.
Missed being happy.

Am I missing something? Missing life.

Is it possible to be thankful for something, yet be so completely miserable doing it that you dream of what could be if you just… quit?

I hope this passes. Maybe it’s just cyclical. Maybe not.

Coordinating a 2-day conference is no easy feat. If I felt like I had the whole world on my shoulders before, now it feels like the entire universe.

I happen to be reading through the book of Romans and on the day that I felt at wit’s end, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I stumbled across this familiar passage:

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us — they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us.”
– Romans 5:3-5

That verse was for me, for that moment just when I needed it.

I just pray that in the midst of these times that I can still maintain a good witness. Sometimes stress gets the better of me and I find myself looking more like the downtrodden Eeyore than one who should be reflecting Philippians 4:13 (”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”).

I wonder what the Lord is preparing me for? It must be something good. Right?

He reflected the Son.

He was a custodian, but I always knew he was destined for something greater. With a joyful heart, he would sing to himself, just slightly off-key, as he diligently mopped the floor in the hallway. His songs were always praises to the Lord and although he never won an American Idol competition, I knew that God was listening and smiling.

Although we were not very close friends, he was a brother in Christ. That bond gave entree to speak about life and spiritual subjects. Our conversations were never lengthy, but they always gave me great encouragement. He always had a positive word for me when he came in to my office to empty the trash in the morning. Despite the mundane nature of his job, he always performed it with joy and dedication. Seeing his face was like seeing the sun — after all, he was always reflecting the Son. He had a heart for people and his greatest desire was to spread the good news.

When he was diagnosed with lymphoma, he was a little concerned — but not very. He was a believer and he knew that God had plans for him. No matter what they were, he knew those plans were good. I told him that I would pray for him and I did. A little later, he told me that the tumor was shrinking and that he was able to witness to the people at the doctor’s office. My heart leapt and I believed that he would soon be healed.

As he was undergoing treatment, I had moved to a different position and my new office was in an adjacent building. For a while, I didn’t see him. The corridors were dolefully quiet, just the sound of footfalls and conversation. No endearing songs of worship sung slightly off-key to bring a smile to my face as I walked by. I saw him a couple of times since then, gave him a hug and told him that I was praying for him.

Not long after, I discovered that he was in the hospital. His body had not tolerated the chemotherapy well. I still believed that he would pull through, because after all, he was young, my husband’s age — and I was sure that God had a plan for him! This ordeal would surely be used as a powerful testimony and would bring many to believe in Christ.

I was absolutely shocked when I discovered that he had passed away.

Tonight was his funeral, but I did not attend. This entry and the remembrance of the impact that he made on me is my memorial to his life. Although I was only a very small part of his life, I am so blessed to have known him. Now he can sing his praises to the Lord in His presence, and I know He is smiling.

It’s funny how God uses other people to speak audibly when you’re having trouble hearing His still, small voice.

After an utterly horrendous day at the office yesterday, I felt completely disheartened and frustrated. I felt like an inefficient, unorganized, and unproductive clod. Why does it feel like I’m constantly rushing, yet I feel like I don’t accomplish anything? It’s like a hamster running on the wheel — going nowhere fast. After feeling downtrodden all day and dreaming about work all night, I lay in bed in my first moments of wakefulness this morning and lifted up a desperate prayer for help through the day.

Today, I had several people ask me how I am doing in my new position and offered me completely unsolicited words of encouragement. One person said, “you’re the right person for the job.” Another, in a completely separate encounter said, “I’m glad you got the position.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but in hindsight, I think it was God’s little way of telling me to hang in there.