The Yahoo group Positive Parenting Discipline is also helpful.

I was spanked, not often but enough to count, as a child and believe it is ineffective and wrong. The anger and shame of the punishment made me resentful and didn’t teach me anything other than that I was small and weak and it was ok to hurt me if I “deserved” it. If we teach our children it’s wrong to hit, why is it ok for us to hit them? If we’re not supposed to hit in anger because it’s losing control, how are we supposed to hit them deliberately?

I think it’s important to remember discipline is about teaching, not punishment. We guide our children to grow into responsible adults, and sometimes it helps to focus on the big picture. Here’s my bullet list of things to remember:
* Know what behaviors are age-appropriate and respond accordingly. If it’s a normal behavior, it’s generally best to redirect and refocus- the child will outgrow it.
* Know what your child is capable of, and respect those limits. Be mindful of naptimes, mealtimes, and even your child’s thirst- any of these factors can cause meltdowns and tantrums. Overstimulation is another one- my boys can sometimes get so excited around other kids and adults they have trouble listening and act out. Look at the situation from the child’s perspective and respond with that in mind.
* Say “no” as little as possible. Use “danger!” for touching the stove, running toward the street, etc. For everything else, a simple statement about what is appropriate followed by redirection is best.(“Stop your body” and “Freeze” are also good if the child is headed toward a dangerous situation.)
* Keep statements positive when you can, and find appropriate outlets for the behavior and model the appropriate behavior. ie hitting- “Hands are for patting/hugging/etc”, give the child a drum and say “drums are for hitting!”. Throwing toys- a soft ball with a “basket” to toss it into, etc.
* Keep rules simple- guidelines for living. ie be safe, respect others and their property, and be kind.
* Discuss the behavior afterward, when the child is calm and can listen. Have your child tell you her feelings, and help her model an appropriate response. (not applicable before age 3, and not too effective until about 4 or so).
* Repetition. Consistency. Follow-through. Repeat.
* If you’re feeling angry or out of control, stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Count to 10. Then handle the situation.
* Always be honest with your child. If you overreact or are mistaken, admit fault and apologize.

Don’t go head-to-head with a strong-willed child whenever you can avoid it. It will end in tears all around- trust me on this one! Be creative at distraction and pre-emptive compromise. Discuss your plans ahead of time so the child is prepared and knows what to expect. Sympathize and reassure.

Be creative and listen to your child and her cues. If you do need to apply appropriate consequences, do so fairly, firmly, and consistently. Use time-outs sparingly and for when your child really does need a moment to collect herself. Sometimes just sitting there holding her and letting her cry and release the frustration works wonders.

One example I used to avoid tantrums- when T was small, I discovered that when we were shopping and he wanted something, it was easiest to let him hold the item and “pretend” it was his. I would repeat over and over, “You can hold xx in the store, but it needs to stay in the store.” We’d often exchange the item for another once or twice before checking out, and very rarely did we ever have a problem leaving it at the register. Just holding the item, for him, was enough for him to get the satisfaction out of it. That may not work for some children, but it was ideal for us.

Also remember that discipline isn’t really applicable until the child understands cause and effect, which means a minimum of age 2.5.

My daughter at about age two tried to do one of those “I want this!” tantrums in the supermarket. I told her if she kept it up, she’s going home. She kept it up.

Fortunately, everyone in that market knew me and knew that I lived right up the street. I saw one gal who saw what was happening and told her “I’ll be right back”. I left my wagon on the side, took my daughter home, left her with her daddy, got back in my car and finished my shopping.

She never (seriously, never) pulled a tantrum again.

To this day (she’s now 21) if she asks me for something and I say I can’t, she doesn’t bother asking me twice. She knows that if I can, I will do anything for her 200%.