At 8-1/2 months, Baby Champuru likes to think she is all grown up. She has been able to pull herself into a standing position since she was 7 months old. Now, she’s trying to take steps. Usually, she’ll clutch my fingers in her tiny fists and take a few steps toward me. Every so often though, she’ll start feeling brave and will let go of my fingers — or if I’m holding her by the waist, she’ll try to push my hands away. Of course, she’s not ready to walk without support, so she’ll stand for a moment or two, try to take a step, then lose her balance and plop on her bottom. But she isn’t easily deterred and will keep practicing. At this rate, I suspect she’ll be walking well before her first birthday.
She also likes to attempt feeding herself. Whether it’s fighting for the spoon, bottle, or the cup, Baby Champuru’s fast hands are a challenge to avoid. With the introduction of baby rice crackers, self-feeding has become one of her favorite activities, allowing herself to control what, when, and how much goes in her mouth. She’s getting much better about regulating how much she bites off now and hasn’t had a choking episode since we first introduced the finger food.
The girl is headstrong and I’m sure we’ll be in for some interesting challenges and triumphs as she grows older. It’s already apparent that she will not be forced into doing anything she has set her mind against. We have had to find ways to work around her: distraction, rolling with it, etc. This includes simple things like sitting in the tub, changing her diaper or clothes, sitting down in her swing/car seat/high chair, or even nursing when she isn’t in the mood. Docile, this child is not. But it’s also this determination that may someday make her very successful at whatever she sets her mind to.
It makes me ponder my views on discipline. As parents, it’s our duty to guide our children along the right path — teaching them to be good people and keeping them out of harm’s way. Of course, there are extremes on the definition of discipline as evidenced in Dr. William Sears’ The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten
I don’t recall my father ever giving me a spanking, but I know my mom did on occasion. I tell Hubby (the recipient of many spankings) half-jokingly that I didn’t get spanked (much) because I was such a good child. I can only remember one incident when I was probably preschool-age, my mom chased me around the livingroom with a flimsy plastic ruler and whacked me on the leg. Of course, the sting was more emotional than physical since the force of the spanking probably wouldn’t have maimed a housefly. I burst into tears and muttered “sorry” in between sobs for whatever transgression I was guilty of at the time. Five minutes later, my tears had dried and I was playing happily again. It didn’t take a beating with a belt to make me realize my wrongdoing and obey, but then again, I probably wasn’t what one would consider a strong-willed child. I really hope that I won’t have to resort to spanking to effect discipline in our household. Maybe I’m being naïve, but I guess only time will tell.
How do you discipline your child?
Chris is 3, and we have swatted him on occasion but have not given him any real spanking. He is a stubborn and super independent child. What has been working for us was something I saw on the SuperNanny. We simply put him in the corner and let him stand there for the appropriate amount of minutes (i.e. 2 years old=2 minutes, 3 years old=3 minutes). The first few times, he would try to leave the corner but we did what SuperNanny did and simply put him back without talking to him. He got the message. Once the time was up, we would talk to him and tell him why he was in the corner, etc. Then it was hugs and kisses. Now, if we tell him, “Corner,” immediately he will go into the corner without us having to guide him there. Other discipline we have instituted is taking away toys when he doesn’t want to listen and put them away. We put them in our garage for 2-3 days. That works well, and he will put his toys away. The one thing with discipline, etc, is the repetition. You might be doing it over and over again for the same behavior, but that’s just part of getting them to learn, etc. Also, as far as being stubborn and independent, we try to give Chris a lot of leeway when he wants to do something such as if he wants to walk by himself in the store, etc. It helps to control them later on. Good luck!
Whatever you discipline of choice, nothing will matter if you do not follow through. Follow Through. If you say “do that and this will happen” then the “this” had better happen.
My daughter at about age two tried to do one of those “I want this!” tantrums in the supermarket. I told her if she kept it up, she’s going home. She kept it up.
Fortunately, everyone in that market knew me and knew that I lived right up the street. I saw one gal who saw what was happening and told her “I’ll be right back”. I left my wagon on the side, took my daughter home, left her with her daddy, got back in my car and finished my shopping.
She never (seriously, never) pulled a tantrum again.
To this day (she’s now 21) if she asks me for something and I say I can’t, she doesn’t bother asking me twice. She knows that if I can, I will do anything for her 200%.
As a social worker with children and families for twenty years, I can tell you this: there’s absolutely never a need for physical discipline. Discipline, yes, I believe in that as strongly or more strongly than anyone in the world. Physical discipline, no.
Also remember that discipline isn’t really applicable until the child understands cause and effect, which means a minimum of age 2.5.
Donna, the most wonderful resource I have found on discipline is GentleChristianMothers.com . The message boards are supportive and leave me wanting to be a better mother and a better person.
The Yahoo group Positive Parenting Discipline is also helpful.
I was spanked, not often but enough to count, as a child and believe it is ineffective and wrong. The anger and shame of the punishment made me resentful and didn’t teach me anything other than that I was small and weak and it was ok to hurt me if I “deserved” it. If we teach our children it’s wrong to hit, why is it ok for us to hit them? If we’re not supposed to hit in anger because it’s losing control, how are we supposed to hit them deliberately?
I think it’s important to remember discipline is about teaching, not punishment. We guide our children to grow into responsible adults, and sometimes it helps to focus on the big picture. Here’s my bullet list of things to remember:
* Know what behaviors are age-appropriate and respond accordingly. If it’s a normal behavior, it’s generally best to redirect and refocus- the child will outgrow it.
* Know what your child is capable of, and respect those limits. Be mindful of naptimes, mealtimes, and even your child’s thirst- any of these factors can cause meltdowns and tantrums. Overstimulation is another one- my boys can sometimes get so excited around other kids and adults they have trouble listening and act out. Look at the situation from the child’s perspective and respond with that in mind.
* Say “no” as little as possible. Use “danger!” for touching the stove, running toward the street, etc. For everything else, a simple statement about what is appropriate followed by redirection is best.(“Stop your body” and “Freeze” are also good if the child is headed toward a dangerous situation.)
* Keep statements positive when you can, and find appropriate outlets for the behavior and model the appropriate behavior. ie hitting- “Hands are for patting/hugging/etc”, give the child a drum and say “drums are for hitting!”. Throwing toys- a soft ball with a “basket” to toss it into, etc.
* Keep rules simple- guidelines for living. ie be safe, respect others and their property, and be kind.
* Discuss the behavior afterward, when the child is calm and can listen. Have your child tell you her feelings, and help her model an appropriate response. (not applicable before age 3, and not too effective until about 4 or so).
* Repetition. Consistency. Follow-through. Repeat.
* If you’re feeling angry or out of control, stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Count to 10. Then handle the situation.
* Always be honest with your child. If you overreact or are mistaken, admit fault and apologize.
Don’t go head-to-head with a strong-willed child whenever you can avoid it. It will end in tears all around- trust me on this one! Be creative at distraction and pre-emptive compromise. Discuss your plans ahead of time so the child is prepared and knows what to expect. Sympathize and reassure.
Be creative and listen to your child and her cues. If you do need to apply appropriate consequences, do so fairly, firmly, and consistently. Use time-outs sparingly and for when your child really does need a moment to collect herself. Sometimes just sitting there holding her and letting her cry and release the frustration works wonders.
One example I used to avoid tantrums- when T was small, I discovered that when we were shopping and he wanted something, it was easiest to let him hold the item and “pretend” it was his. I would repeat over and over, “You can hold xx in the store, but it needs to stay in the store.” We’d often exchange the item for another once or twice before checking out, and very rarely did we ever have a problem leaving it at the register. Just holding the item, for him, was enough for him to get the satisfaction out of it. That may not work for some children, but it was ideal for us.
One thing we did when the children were toddlers and beyond (there is only a certain time period in which this will work) is when the child is not being reached by calm, gentle methods was to just take them by the arm and sit them down quickly. the surprise of going from one position to another was enough to get them out of their snit. While they are internally going “What happened?” you can introduce a new subject or at least get their attention. I see in a latter post you mentioned attachment parenting. A friend of ours, Lysa Parker, was co-founder (I think that is correct) of attachment parenting. Gotta go, Alison (1 year) and Casey (4 or 5 weeks) return home from volunteer service in Costa Rico on 1 July and I have to get the house ready for the welcome home party on the 4th. For the first time in three years all the kids are home which is wonderful. Thanks for your blog, it really is a special place in cyberspace.