First of all, before I begin, allow me to wish all of the moms out there a very happy mother’s day. We all know how much you do and it’s a crime that mother’s day is only observed once a year. My mom, who is 75, still goes out of her way to take care of me and I know her fervent prayers on my behalf have saved me from many a plight. Now, she’s praying incessantly that the Lord will bless her with a grandchild. Actually, let me correct that: she wants us to have twins. My hope is that God will grant her prayers and work a miracle in my womb, more for her sake than mine, since I know how overjoyed she would be to finally be a grandma.

Which brings me to the real topic of this entry, which is dealing with mother’s day when you’re a mommy-wannabe.

I must admit that today would have been a fine day to return to church, feeling sufficiently recuperated to attend an early morning service, but I made a deliberate decision to go back next week. Inevitably, today’s sermon would be on the topic of mothers, and rightfully so. After all, today is their day and it’s our duty to honor and appreciate our mothers. However, I can’t help but to feel inadequate and slightly like a failure as I sit and wonder if I’ll ever have the opportunity to be a mom. Believe it or not, I try not to wallow in my own pool of self-pity, but I surprised myself last year by welling up with tears while sitting through a mother’s day sermon. Moms were asked to stand and were honored with rounds of applause and were presented a small gift by children from the Sunday School. Meanwhile, I was left seated with the men and only a handful of women in the congregation. I put on my game face, clapped enthusiastically and fought back the tears to avoid making a spectacle of myself. That was last year. With the infertility treatments being so here and now, I knew it would be even harder for me this year.

To be honest, it’s not that I mull over my condition endlessly. In fact, when I am not swept away with bouts of emotion, I feel complete, even without a child. Hubby and I have an awesome marriage and not only that, but we’re also best friends. My parents and in-laws love me and I have wonderful, supportive friends. Above all, I have my faith in a God who loves me, despite all my faults and shortcomings. There is no proverbial hole in my heart — but, on the flip side, my heart is big enough to love a child, or two, or three…

At mother’s day dinner last night with the in-laws, we joked about next year being my year to celebrate mother’s day. I will continue to pray that this is so, but ultimately, we’ll see what God has in store for us. Whatever it is, I know it will be good.